Happppy springtime, readers!
You heard that right – yesterday was officially the first day of the 3rd-betchiest season of the year (#1 summer bc duh, #2 Halloween bc we can dress like thots and not get judged WOOOHOOoooo).
In honor of the warmer weather and the OFFICIAL END OF CUFFING SEASON (fucking finally), I have compiled the following list of the Top 5 Springtime Date Ideas in DC. Whether you want something quick and easy (like me) (jk) (mostly) or a long, romantic frolic, there’s something for everyone – so get ready, ladies and gents!
1. Bowl for tourists
Sure, regular bowling is fun, but the problem is that you don’t get a chance to take advantage of the beautiful weather! (read: work on your tan). So let’s take that shit outside – and what more cliche setting is there than the Washington Monument?
But Jesse, are there even any bowling pins on the mall?? Valid question, my dear Watsons. The answer is, anything is a bowling pin if you try hard enough! Small child with an ice cream cone? BINGO. Grab a nerf ball and peg him. Bonus points if he starts crying. Group of basic bitches posing for Instas? Go for the strike! Filter this! Want to really make a splash? Hit your man! He’ll appreciate your athleticism, and you’ll be able to tell if he’s a snively little biotch before things get too far.
You and your beau will have a blast identifying more and more exotic targets – although, I must implore you to leave the cops on horseback alone. They’re not horsin’around!! Hahahaha yeah I hate me too.
2. Kayak on the Potomac
If you want to go on a date where you don’t need to actually talk to or touch the guy you’re with, this is for you! Kayaking is not only funner than a barrel of monkeys*, but it is also a) a KILLER chest and tricep workout, b) a good excuse to wear a bathing suit on a date, and c) a way to show your man how ‘adventurous’ and ‘athletic’ you are.**
**One guy who took me kayaking last summer opened by asking me if I was ‘outdoorsy.’ I racked my brain real, real hard until I remembered that one time when I ate Chipotle at the outdoor tables. ‘Absolutely!’ I chirped back. Honesty is the best policy.
There are several potential drawbacks to going on a kayaking date, however. First, you have to put on fugly-ass lifejackets that make you look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy overdid it on the crescent rolls, and that’s not a good look for anyone. THEN they take you over to the dock, where you face the dreaded decision of getting a double kayak or singles.
DON’T RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO END THIS WAY.
Double kayaks require unparalleled levels of synchronization and patience. I’ve only used them once, with my best friend since 7th grade, and we didn’t talk for three full days afterward. This may or may not be because I got so annoyed when I said left and she paddled right that I whacked her in the head. I handle stress well. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Once you’ve chosen your SINGLE kayak, there’s the issue of getting in without toppling over and falling into the dark, shark-infested depths of the Potomac. OK, maybe not, but it’ll seeeeriously mess up your hair. The key to getting in with grace is- I actually have no idea. I’ve never managed it. Your best bet is probably to scream ‘PUPPY!’, get your date to look away, and then scoot in real fast before he can see your struggle.
Once you’re on the water, it’s smooth sailing! Pun completely intended. Avoid the following things and you’ll be set:
1 – ROCKS. Don’t hit them. You’ll flip over and it will be embarrassing.
2 – ALGAE. Don’t try to go through it. You’ll get stuck and it will be embarrassing.
3 – PHONES. Don’t touch them. You’ll drop them into the river and – oh, you get the point. Just don’t do anything stupid.
Finally, readers, the best part of kayaking? If you don’t like your date, you can just paddle away forever and stick him with the bill! Sure you may wind up in the middle of the Atlantic, but if your date is anything like the Worst Guy Ever, this fate is MUCH preferable.
3. Have a picnic
Everyone’s all too familiar with the classic dinner date – why not switch it up and take your meal al fresco? Picnics are a time-worn tradition, and romantic in theory. A blanket under the flowering trees, a wicker basket filled to the brim with those teeny-tiny finger sandwiches (crusts cut off, obvs), homemade desserts, spaghetti and meatballs (for the Lady & The Tramp effect), and a bottle of rose. Actually, my ideal picnic basket has three of those. I digress.
In REALITY, nature’s about to bite your dreams in the ass. And by nature I mean ants. Little fuckers are EVERYWHERE. They can smell fear (and finger sandwiches) from nine miles away, and are out to RUIN. YOUR. LIFE. That is, if the bees don’t get there first! And the snakes! AND THE MOUNTAIN LIONS!
I thought about being a drama major, if you couldn’t tell.
Not only is the wildlife hot on your tail, but you also may have forgotten that you’re allergic to – well, just about everything – and last time I checked, a runny nose and bloodshot eyes were NOT on this season’s sartorial wish list. Alas, maybe you would have been better off staying inside. Or buying more bottles of wine. Jus’sayin.
4. Crash a Little League Baseball game
Swear to Hay-seuss, the SECOND the first cherry blossom opens everyone within 10 miles of a Metro stop remembers that we have a baseball team and starts FREAKING OUT over OG Fuckboy Bryce Harper and his squad (aka the Nationals). “Oh my gawwwwd let’s go to a Nats game!!! I got tickets for only two dollars and some lint I found in my pocket, and we’ll barely be able to see the field, but we’ll be so ~sp0rty~ and we can DAY DRINK!!!”
Yeah. No thanks.
Luckily, there is another source of bat-swinging entertainment right around the corner at your local park. Little League! Tell your date that you want to take him on a trip down memory lane, grab some folding chairs, and head on over. Do you know any of the kids? Nope! No problem. Doesn’t mean you can’t heckle ’em.
“Hey, Red! We want a pitcher, not a ballsack itcher!***”
“Yo, four eyes! You’re so ugly that when your mama dropped you off at school, she got fined for littering!”
You can also spark up some romantic competition by seeing who can get the most phone numbers from the MILFs/DILFs watching their children play! Loser buys Girl Scout cookies from the players’ little sister who’s been eyeing you like a hawk. NOTE: This competition may not go so well if you have been shouting the above insults. You might get kicked out. But hey, life is meant to be LIVED!
***For the love of God, don’t say this unless you would like to spend the remainder of your date in a jail cell.
5. Netflix & Guilt Trip
Everyone knows that cuffing season is the ideal time for ‘Netflix and Chill,’ as the cold winter months are vastly improved by cuddling under a blanket and ‘creating body heat,’ if you’re picking up what I’m putting down
But, why should the fun stop now?! With such gems as ‘The Princess Bride,’ ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,’ and ‘Kid’s Baking Championship: Season 1’ (don’t judge me) making their way to Netflix this month, Netflix and Chill is still a very valid option! So, grab your date, cuddle up, turn on the tv, and… oh, wait… but it’s so pretty outside… and, according to snapchat, everyone is looking at the cherry blossoms… maybe we should go outside? Just maybe?
‘Netflix & Guilt Trip’ adds an additional element of fun to ‘Netflix & Chill’ as you and your beau trade ideas for fun outdoor activities that you’ll never actually do because you’ve been forever ensnared by the gravitational pull of the couch.
“Maybe we can get some friends together for a game of pickup frisbee!” you quip as you dip your butter-smeared hand back into the bowl of popcorn.
“Yeah, or we can go rent a paddle boat in Old Town Alexandria!” he’ll say as he wraps himself in the blanket like a happy little human burrito.
Good luck getting off the couch, kids.
So, go embrace the season! Make a splash! Fall in love!
And, if you need me, I’ll be over here in my blanket burrito. Maybe I can get a wallet to bring me Chipotle? BURRITO-CEPTION!