Welcome to another exciting week of The Bachelor in which my future husband, Ben Higgins, pretends that we aren’t soulmates and 20 hot chicks fight
to the death for his affection!
Group Date: Back to School
Oh God, they’re in a fucking high school trying to “make Ben’s volcano explode” and show him that they’re “good with their mouths.” Somewhere in the distance Ms. Frizzle rolls over in her grave.
Mandi, whose name is spelled with an ‘i’ because she was born with a fucking sorority paddle in her mouth, is about to take on Bad Bitch Amber in a hurdling contest. She just threw aside her heels and is taking this one barefoot. Can’t wait to watch her crash and burn!
Oh shit homegirl actually killed it. Her nose is kinda fucked up though so Ben will probs send her home anyway.
Back at the ranch…
The date card is here!
Olivia: Ben and I had SUCH a connection because I have perfect hair and love to open my mouth like a velociraptor. But like, they’re the cutest dinosaurs, right? Right?!
Wait but actually can you please close your mouth? I’m getting weirded out. I’ll just turn off my tv for two minutes and stare at this picture of Liam Hemsworth.
The date card goes to hot half-Asian betch Caila AND NONE FOR
GRETCHEN OLIVIA WEINERS BYE.
Lace is blackout. I love it. She’s like me but prettier and more psycho.
…wait, is she still going on about this eye contact thing? Ok, bitch is crazy. Not like me. Nope nope nope. TG Jubilee (btw, what kind of name is this? I’m gonna name my daughter “Melancholy” and send her in to fight) shows up and saves the day.
Aww, Jubilee actually has a heartwarming story! She has some substan- oh FACK now she’s making out with Ben. Why do they even try.
Jubilee: Kissing Ben was really special to me. I even almost forgot for a minute that I was the 18th girl he’s kissed today. Almost.
Why is Lace back? What is going on? This is the weirdest shit that’s gone down since onion girl.
Ben gives Jojo’s tits (potentially of ‘Too Little Too Late’ fame? Can anyone confirm?) the first impression rose. He invites the rest of Jojo along for the ride too. Lace’s hair ACTUALLY goes up in flames like Hades from Hercules. Homegirl, hate to break it to you, but that’s not gonna look cute in the morning.
Ride Along – Date with Caila (and Kevin Hart and Ice Cube #squad)
Ben asks the guys the most romantic thing they’ve ever done for a woman.
Ice Cube: I married one. I think that was a pretty fucking nice thing for me to do.
KHart: I cooked some fried chicken in the crockpot once and allowed my woman to have a bite.
GOOD KEVIN HART. GOOD. ROMANCE IS ALIVE.
Ok, they’re in a hot tub and KHart is naked. Caila is fucking TERRIFIED of the BBC, like “THIS ISN’T HOW I WANTED TO DIE,” and Ben is just laughing along, like “hahahha please don’t expect my penis to be that size hahahaa why did Chris Harrison invite Kevin Hart.”
Group Date: The Love Lab
Does Shushanna speak ANY English?! I think she legitimately confused this show with a Mail-Order Bride service and the producers have just kept feeding her vodka (the water of her people) and telling her that this is what Mother Russia wants.
Ben is talking about how he always gets ghosted on and how he has never been loved and I am on the floor SOBBING. Holy shit he’s real. Holy shit. Gonna try to jump through the tv screen now brb.
K I’m back. Need to buy a new tv now but it was worth a shot.
Ben looks like a hot fucking Jedi right now and I’m WAY too into it. Can I be your Princess Leia?
Ben is smelling everyone’s vag and I’m so so so uncomfortable.
Olivia: My heart wants Ben very bad, and apparently my scent does too.
OLIVIA PHONE HOME.
Olivia: I’m incredibly confident in our relationship because I’m hot and Ben thinks with his dick.
Olivia is the college freshman who randomly hooks up with an older guy at a frat party and assumes this means they’re dating now. Aw, honey, no.
Olivia: I want to take him to a secret spot and kiss him until his lips fall off.
Uhhhh the last time a guy did that to me I woke up with a fat lip and dropped his ass before morning. 0/10 would not recommend to a friend.
Hahahaha Lace hears that Olivia is tryna steal her man and starts stockpiling ammo. Shit, is that a tranq dart? Also, Lace is drunk as a skunk and I fucking love it.
TWIN IS NOT AN OCCUPATION.
Lace: I know I’m coming off a little crazy
Ben: Ummmmm yep, yes you are.
Lace: I have a very bold personality. I’m a lot to handle.
Lace: I was very dorky looking as a kid. I would love to show you pictures. But I can’t so I’ll just describe them to you.
GIRL. Jubilee was born in an ORPHANAGE in HAITI and you had two fucking cowlicks and now you look like a pageant queen and yeah I think it’s time for you to leave. BYE FELICIA.
Oh look! It’s arts and crafts time and Amanda has never been happier. This is like the girl scouts. Wait Ben would look SO cute in a little sash, amirite?
LACE GETS A ROSE I GIVE UP. Turning off the tv.
…turned it back on. LB rejects her rose in the betchiest power move of the season, and Ben is distraught only because he now has to choose a new crazy to give the rose too. He’s playing fucking eenie meenie minie moe I can see it in his eyes.
And NONE for Sam-who-looks-like-a-chihuahua. Somewhere in the distance, Bruiser Woods is crying.