You know how sometimes you see someone and you just know that you were meant to fall in love and explore the world together and make beautiful babies and stay side by side for all of eternity?
Then you’ll completely understand my adoration for this beautiful
boy man ADONIS who works out at my gym every morning. His chiseled face, bulging biceps, …..chiseled face? Ok, I know NOTHING about him other than the fact that he’s beautiful. But that’s really all that matters, right? Right?!
I have one eensy weensy little problem, though.
I’m HOPELESSLY AFRAID to talk to him.
What if I smell bad? What if he’s married? What if he has one of those terrible steroid lisps? What if he hates me? So much could go wrong.
…but, I’ll never know until I try, right? Therefore, I’ve developed the following list of ways to make gym bae love me.
- Drop a barbell on his foot. Offer to drive him to the hospital.
- Make cookies. After he finishes a set, exclaim “good boy!” and hand him a cookie.
- While he’s stretching post-workout, approach him from the side. Deadlift him.
- Follow him around with gym wipes. Before he uses any machine, insist on wiping it down for him, on the premise that he ‘should only be dirty in the bedroom.’
- Renew my personal trainer certification. Quit my job. Obtain a job as a personal trainer. Insist that I train him. When he resists, offer to pay him.
- Sneak into the gym control room and adjust the temperature to 90 degrees. When he inevitably remarks how hot it is, tell him ‘yeah, maybe you should leave.’ Wink.
- Buy groupon for pole dancing classes. Take the classes. Begin pole dancing on gym equipment. When I catch him looking, exclaim “want to join?”
- Write this blog post. Write blog address on the back of one of my business cards. Slip him the business card, whisper ‘I’ve been writing about you,’ and wink.
I’ll probably die alone.