Welcome to [DC], it’s been waiting for you

Y’all. Something BIG happened. My life has forever changed.

I live IN DC NOW!!!!! YAY!!!

(Well technically Arlington, VA, but I live two blocks from the Clarendon metro stop so I practically live in DC, and please just let me have my moment, ok?!)

Last Thursday my dad, brother, and I packed up the truck with my bed and random shit from my room, and my car with an inordinate amount of clothing and even more random shit from my room, and inched along 66 in rush hour traffic as my brother whined about not being paid to help and how this was illegal child labor and he was going to report Dad to the police. I reached into one of my random shit bags, found a sock to stuff in his mouth, and spent the rest of the drive babbling on about all the bars I could embarrass myself at. ~the world is my oyster~

With the help of Lexi and her mom, we got all of the stuff in from the truck, and my Dad and brother pieced together my bed while I gossiped with the girls. I love gender roles. We drove back to the house and my dad bought Garrett a sausage mcmuffin to finally make him STFU. Wow, it’s so easy to buy the cooperation of 18-year-old boys.

The real fun came when I drove my carload of crap to the apartment. Windows down, music up, the fur on my pillow pet blowing in the breeze in the passenger’s seat, it was heaven. Until I got to the parking garage and realized that I needed to somehow transport 21 years of accumulated stuff up 7 floors to my apartment. Bellhop trolley to the rescue!

MOST FUN EVER
MOST FUN EVER

Luckily, Rich at the front desk didn’t know anything about me yet, so he let me borrow this animal. Muahaha. I was pushing off down the hall, riding it around, and re-enacting scenes from “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody” like never seen before. Moving is fun!

Moving isn’t fun. Carting my shit up to my room, while made easier by the trolley, still was no walk in the park. On more than four occasions I considered calling “College Hunks Hauling Junk” to help me but remembered that I was poor and that hunks were free on Tinder. Sigh.

college-hunks-hauling-junk

Using my big, strong muscles, I finally got everything into my room, and immediately proceeded to give myself a paper cut on the mirror box and blatantly disregard the lamp I needed to set up in favor of drinking wine. Well, drinking wine turned into eating pizza, which turned into getting drunk gelato, which turned into getting home and having no lamp and therefore no light in my room. Womp.

gelato

Have you ever tried to set up an $8 Target lamp when you were drunk? If not, 10/10, highly recommend to a friend. Luckily, I had the foresight to realize that $8 lamps probably do not include light bulbs, so I had one on hand. BAM. I impress myself on such a regular basis.

I said goodnight to Lexi and her mom, and they snuggled in her bed while I snuggled my pillow pet and his windblown hair. First night in DC: success.

Friday, Friday, Gotta Get Down On Friday

We had a work event on Friday, so my first metro commute was into DC! I went with about 25 coworkers to the DC Improv Comedy Club near Farragut Square. It was great because I found out that there are funny people at my company and that partners aren’t too scary after all! Good times, go hoos.

comedy

I rushed home so that I could decompress a little bit before my dinner plans, but when I walked into the apartment I was shocked at the disaster scene in front of me. Children rode mattresses around the living room, dust and debris filled the air, and a cacophony of power tools greeted my ears. Megan was here! Her entire extended family had arrived to help build her furniture. I reached into the fridge, poured a glass of pinot grigio, and all was right with the world. Nothing says “I feel comfortable having dinner with you” like pregaming with some wine, am I right?

Without the ratchet-ness
Without the ratchet-ness

Dinner was good, but the real highlight of the day was going out with our new bff, Lexi’s mom. She had been talking all day about how she wanted to dance, so we walked down Clarendon Boulevard until we saw somewhere that looked big enough to handle our moves. The verdict was Mad Rose Tavern, where there was no one dancing, but we were like “YOLO” and started the dance floor. We had been dancing for approximately 45 seconds when 3 guys from the Naval Academy walked in and zeroed in on us. They immediately claimed their targets: Rob claimed me, Ryan claimed Lexi, and Jude claimed Lexi’s mom. Megan fist pumped and waited for Jude to realize that he was dancing with a married woman and switch partners. This process took about 5 minutes.

So there we were for the remainder of the night, paired off with our Naval Academy boys and having the time of our lives on the dance floor. Lexi and her mom headed home early, and when the lights came on at 1:30, Jude and Rob walked Megan and I home. We did not give them our phone numbers, we did not give them our last names, and yet SOMEHOW I got friend requests from both Rob and Jude the next day. Now, I’m a pretty accomplished Facebook stalker (a badge I wear with pride), but HOW did they find me based on the fact that my name was Jesse (which they probably thought was spelled differently) and I went to UVA?! Wow. Anyway, we probably won’t see them again anytime soon.

One tequila, two tequila…

Our Saturday night adventures continued at the best place in town to get a margarita with a Corona in it – Don Tito’s. However, they were out of the margarona glasses, so I bought us a round of tequila shots. Then some guy asked us what we wanted to drink, and we said more tequila shots. So, we were feelin’ preeeetty good.

Margarona yas
Margarona yas

Highlights:

  • A man wearing a Hawaiian shirt with a banana pattern on it. I was like “Hey man, I like your bananas!” and he was like “Y’all look so beautiful tonight!” Thanks banana man, you’re beautiful too.
  • This guy who had a chin that was SO BIG he looked just like the Crimson Chin! It was magical.
  • While Megan was in the bathroom, an older man came over and asked Lexi and I to show him our best dance moves. For some reason we thought that he worked there and that by doing this we would get free drinks, so we proceeded to have a dance off to “Thrift Shop” in an area where absolutely no one was dancing. He didn’t work there… we didn’t get free drinks… but we did get free memories

bananas

So, yeah, I think living in DC is going to be a pretty fun time!

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